This weekend, I ate ice cream twice in one day.
And I enjoyed every single bite. Zero guilt. Zero regret. 100% satisfaction.
A few years ago even just one bite of ice cream would have sent me into a tailspin of restriction and remorse. From 2009-2012 I weighed myself every single day, tracking calories obsessively. Every. Single. Day. And based on the number staring back at me - whether I had gone over my 900 calorie limit (self-imposed, mind you) or was up a fraction of a pound - my attitude and activities for the day proceeded accordingly.
That number determined everything. Up on the scale? Run more and eat less. Ate too much according to my "lose 2 pounds a week" My Fitness Pal guideline? Run more and eat less.
That number determined if I felt worthy. If I felt happy. If I felt like socialising. That number determined what clothes I wore. What I could eat. How long I would have to workout. Along with every other aspect of my day to day life. For three years I hated myself this way repeatedly, refusing to actually live my life and engage with other people because my need to be smaller, lighter and thinner meant more to me than any relationship or adventure ever could.
Today. Today I don't track calories and I weigh in only occasionally. I know that I am 40 pounds heavier than I was at my thinnest and I know that I am the happiest, healthiest and most confident and powerful I have ever been in my entire life.
People often ask me how I got here - this place of confidence and comfort around food, around fitness and most importantly - in my own skin. People ask because they too feel lost in their own skin, at war with their own bodies, ruled by the scale and consumed by the caloric culture we (as a society) are so obsessed with.
My answer is always this. There was no magic switch. No lightbulb moment. But rather, it was work. It still is, some days. It has taken me YEARS to unpack the reasons why I hated myself, neglected my body and starved my mind. It has taken me YEARS to separate what I believe to be true from societal narratives telling me how I should look or who I should be. It has taken me YEARS to heal from the hurtful things that were said and done, finally realising that I am the boss of my own body.
And some days it still feels like I'm learning. Because loving yourself is not a linear journey. And there are no shortcuts. You will have bad days. You will backslide. And you will struggle with giving power back to the scale and your calorie counting apps, because that's what you know.
But know this - life without the scale, without calorie counting, without external pressures and internal dialogues telling you that you need to look, feel or be a certain way is worth all the time healing takes. It takes work. But the work of investing in yourself is always worthwhile.
If you're ready to do the work - unpack the untruths and the unrealistic expectations - and start harnessing your own power, being the boss of your own body, you don't have to do it alone. If you're ready to do the work - learning how to love your body; not hide it, not feel ashamed of it, not constantly work to change it because you hate what you see, you don't have to do it alone. I'm here for you.
I've created a coaching program that will help you to feel sexy, confident and powerful, just as you are. If you're looking to love your body, learn to establish a healthy relationship with food, and banish those feelings of unworthiness, let me help you. You deserve it.
WANT ME AS YOUR COACH?
**I have a few spots now open in my coaching program.**
If you're looking to finally take charge of your health, nutrition, and your sanity around food and eating, send me an email and we'll start the conversation.
Eat Well. Live Well. Be Well.